IF THERE IS NO WARM WATER, BATHE IN COLD WATER Dr C.V ANANDA BOSE

 

18. IF THERE IS NO WARM WATER, BATHE IN COLD WATER

O Henry’s hero Jim in The Gift of the Magi is deeply in love with Della. Though of poor circumstances, both of them have a possession that they are immensely proud of: Jim has his wrist watch, an inheritance from his grandfather, and Della has her glorious blonde hair. On Christmas eve Jim and Della rack their brains unable to decide what gift to be given to the other, a gift that will reflect their deep affection. The problem is they don’t have any money. But their love for each other is so overwhelming that Jim sells his watch, his precious treasure, to buy for Della a pair of tortoise shell combs that she always coveted. He finds out that it is no use to Della as she has already sold her hair to buy a platinum strap for his precious wrist watch.

That shows perfect compatibility, harmony of mind. To sacrifice for the mate and to find happiness in that sacrifice.

This is very relevant today. Isn’t it true that the number of divorces in the society is going up as in the case of suicides? It is said that the best matrimonial compatibility is between a wife who cannot sleep with the windows open and a husband who cannot sleep with the windows closed. What matters is adjustment. The theme of Shakespeare’s famous play ‘Taming of the Shrew’ itself is adjustment. Katherina is an obdurate, headstrong shrew and the play shows how Petruchio who marries her cleverly uses all his intelligence and guile and psychological insights to tame her and turn her into a perfect bride.

Lovers’ tiffs are common in married life. Even gods are not above this. Kalidasa had said that the relationship between Shiv and Parvathy was like that between word and meaning. It was after observing great penance that Parvathy got the hand of Shiv. Even then there were quarrels in their life. In one instance, it was on a silly matter. In place of the usual endearments, he once called her by her other name, Kali. Suspecting that Shiv was making fun of her dark skin, Parvathy exploded and left him in a huff. Determined to return only after getting a skin colour as beautiful as that of her husband, she went to the forests and did tapas for a hundred years. At last Brahma appeared before her and granted her desired boon, the colour of the pollen of lotus flower.

A family quarrel like this took place in Vaikunta also. Maha Vishnu looked at Lakshmi and smiled. She mistook that smile, thinking he was comparing her with some other woman. And she cursed him in the strongest fashion: let your head be blown off. The curse indeed came true. It is another story how Vishnu and other gods came out of this unscathed.

In brief, quarrels and patch ups are quite common in married life. Like day and night they will alternate constantly. Night should not get lengthier and day should not encroach into night. As grandmas used to say it is only natural that kitchen vessels sometimes clink and clank.

What is important is to make the family more secure. In the opinion of the United Nations family is the most powerful democratic set up at the core of the society.

The teacher in the village school asked the child: who are all there in your house?

The bright boy replied: Grandpa, Grandma, father, mother, then Malini and Kannan.

Are Malini and Kannan your sister and brother?

No. Malini is our cow. Kannan is our cat.

Family is like that. Its inmates are all linked by the silk thread of warmth. In the bondage that cements this relationship tensions melt away and animosities dissolve in love. And this love erects a heavenly home in the island of hell.

It is true that love is blind. Even death is not able to create a wedge between one who loves and one who is loved. Take the case of two people hated by the world at large, Hitler and Mussolini. At the close of the Second World War when enemy soldiers fired at Mussolini, his wife courted death by standing before him in a bid to shield him from the bullets. And in Berlin, death lost its glitter in the intensity of love when Eva Brown abandoned her safe haven and rushed towards the bunker in which Hitler was waiting for the inevitable end. And in the shadow of death Hitler and Eva became husband and wife.

The fast track couples who pick up quarrels on silly issues is fast increasing in the society irrespective of whether they reach the family courts or not. Also, there is a corresponding increase in the number of youngsters who consider it great to lead a single life. Why blame the youth alone? There are some swell daddies who consider a Benz car outside the house and two divorced daughters inside the house as a great status symbol. The modern couples who seek freedom from conjugal bondage, proclaiming that freedom is life, freedom is ambrosia forget that the fundamental principles and tenets of nature are sacred and inviolable. We are trying to blow out the little light that we have. In the olden days domestic quarrels used to get domestic settlements. The lower and upper courts of justice to deal with such issues were there in the old joint families. Grandfather, grandmother, father, mother and even the uncle in the next building all used to take part in the efforts to patch up domestic differences. The rise of nuclear families saw the end to many such safety valves of the past. The grandparents are now a days as much a threatened species as the lion tailed macaque. Once broken, an earthen pot cannot be put together. If what is broken is a golden pot it can well be welded together. Once the black hole of the nuclear families swallowed up grandparents who used to successfully take up this welding process, an added impetus was given to the process of divorces in the society. If single parenting was a mistake yesterday, it is custom today and no one knows if it will not become fundamental scientific principle tomorrow.

It is the sense of self-importance that shatters married life. One having a superiority complex will not bow before anyone. Many factors, like family tradition, love for the parents, commitment to the society, and love for the children, used to help to restrain this one-upmanship but when the threads tying these commitments get lax their relevance also decreases. When man and woman limit their vision by looking only inside, togetherness and the relief it provided get lost. Unable to scale the hurdles one has put, his own father, mother and the kids stand on either side of the boundary line, feeling the angst of alienation. No one is willing to weep on anyone else’s shoulders. And when the feeling is that the rights given by law are more important than the security afforded by the family, unstable minds are encouraged to go after the mirage of legal remedies to human problems. And legal battles and the subsequent separations become the order of the day. The home loses its image as a haven. The extent of relationships get abridged to me and me alone. When the old generation considered marriage as a liberation, the new generation feels that liberation from marriage is far better.

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